A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize