I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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