My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me