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i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
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