im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just sucked dick on a ferry