We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
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I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
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Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.