don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
