i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
