May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
