I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
