I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
