I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
