Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
