I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
