'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
