Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
