She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
