saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
