You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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