I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
