you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
