Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
