nut hugger
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
