Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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