god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
