When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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