my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
