her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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