I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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