Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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