I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
