i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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