I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
