i already hear my dad disowning me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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