my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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