My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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