This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
