so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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