the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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