Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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