The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
