I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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