i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
