I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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