he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
