Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
