Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
