I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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