Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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