And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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