I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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