I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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