im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
