my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
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Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
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She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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