I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
