Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
