I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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