I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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