wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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