I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
